I’ve not written a thought-rant in quite some time and since I can’t really sleep at the moment I figured I’d take the opportunity and do just that.
What do we do when we find ourselves facing changes we did no expect would come our way? Well, I don’t really think there’s a good answer to that question. Neither is there a good answer to what we should do. I’ve found that whenever things don’t pan out the way I’ve anticipated or expected, all I can do is really take a step back and think. I’m the type of person that can sit for hours on end not really fully aware of what it is I’m thinking. I know that might seem strange but that’s how it is. Well, I guess that’s only a half-truth in a way though.
Regardless of how my thoughts are structured i.e. not in words (believe it or not), thinking is my process. The odd bit is that I need to actually write down my thoughts in order to feel as if I’m working things out. Something that often results in somewhat fuzzy and vague posts or texts, such as this one for example. I believe that it is imperative that all people develop some kind of process, not necessarily one that’s similar to mine but a method of some sort.
At this point you might be wondering what promted this post, but that’s something I’m goin to keep private. Suffice it to say that it involves emotions on the stronger end of the spectrum, emotions I’m not used to tackling and don’t really understand. There’s the ever-present doubt, the occasional bout of bewilderment, and steady confusion mixed with curiosity and an uncertain kind of excited joy.
I’ve always been a person for whom it takes a long time for emotions to take root and grow strong. The fact that I’m unbalanced by what’s going on is unsettling and yet at the same time probably a sign of positive development. Being more in tune with my emotions has always been a long-term goal and with most of them I already am. It’s just the ones that involve a certain amount of risk (or the ones that are particularly draining such as anger or frustration) that I’ve always tread softly around.
Do I trust myself as I am? No, not one bit, not in this. Why? Well, I’d be a fool to feel secure walking down an unknown path. But I’m not a person that shies away from something just because it makes me terrified. Fear I can handle, fear I understand.
2012 was a very unbalancing year for me, for many reasons. It was a year tainted by grief, things that has my worrying even today, and a general sense of demotivation. I’m regaining my bearings but losing footing elsewhere, if that makes sense? On the other hand, when I put it like I just did it sounds like nothing positive happened at all during 2012 for me – that’s absolutely not the case. A lot of great things have happened, my trip to Africa for one.
My thoughts are all over the place, as you can probably tell if you’ve read this far. I want to point out and make it very clear that I am in no way suffering at the moment. I’m just wandering uncharted terrain. On that note I’m going to try again to get some sleep.