For some reason I just need to write, the sound of music mixes with the residue you left in my mind before you departed. I know that you’ll return to me the way you always do, but I’ve already begun to miss you. I feel so many things I don’t understand, I feel so many things at once that I cannot tell my emotions apart. I ‘m trying to describe the experience but I do not know where to start. A desire fills my core, I want to – no I have to know more.
I guess it is not for nothing that I am what I am, what I’ve always known myself to be even if I did not have the word for it. If I am defined by my actions then call me for what I do, I seek, more than anything I seek, search for the answer to your mystery. So, a seeker, then, this is what I’ll call myself. I’ve begun now, you appeared before me and now that I’ve seen I cannot put it aside. I cannot stop until I find what I know I want.
I want to know why I’m always struck by these thoughts and these beautiful images when the sun has gone down and the world is dark. Why can I not sleep? Is it all the noise and the hectic nature of the day? Was I meant to be this way? If that is indeed the case I’ll accept it as part of my nature – but I want to understand, I need to understand because I know that I will never see you until I do.
My soul is vibrating, stronger, faster, louder, can you hear it? Are you out there? I wish you could. I wish I could see you. Are we strangers washed up on different shores in the endless sea of time? Were we together once, but divided, my soul splintered and yours torn from mine? I refuse to believe that we are pieces moving in a game of the divine. If anything we are divinity, I am god as you are the goddess – as each and every one of us is.
My thoughts are a riptide that pulls me out into the sea of infinity and the more I write the more they pull at my soul. I cannot seem to stop the flow, like water, or endless falling snow. Yes, I am of the Winter and that is another thing I’ve always wondered – it would make sense now that I think about it. Are you the wind, the wind of perfect Autumn? It wouldn’t surprise me.
The nights, the long endless nights where I’ve sat, walked, wondered – wanted to cry – staring out through the window in that ivory tower that is my soul. I’ve been staring into the sky, the vast nothingness that I thought was space, thinking that life was some sort of race and so I pursued different things, began to fill my head with imaginings… I have suffered as all men and women do, I have suffered the most because I never got to know you. I’ve been alone and now that loneliness is a mark upon my soul, not unlike a scar across pale skin. It used to haunt me.
I am haunted still, haunted by not knowing, haunted by frustration. But my life is not all doom and gloom, I’ve caught glimpses. I’ve caught glimpses of what I know is out there, of things I know can be mine. I find solace in that. I am glad, most of the time actually, but sometimes sadness comes too, just as it must be allowed to. What is joy without sadness? Loneliness without love?
I believe in you.