Perhaps it should not surprise me that I have to wait until I am truly alone and have turned off all the light sources, save the computer monitor, for words to come back to me. Seclusion, it seems, have always been my most dependable muse. I find myself straining, as if my hearing has deteriorated. Perhaps it I am simply out of practice and am no longer fluent in her language.
Apathy has been following me around, lurking in the background but never leaving my peripheral. It is a very odd sensation, being able to look right at it. I realize now just for how long it has been following me. I can distinctly remember a time when it was not.
There is something I have lost. I have been disconnected. I do not recall exactly when it happened or how, but the door I see before my minds I is closed and locked from the other side. The calming serenity is no longer there, replaced by elaborate mimicry.
So how do I feel? Well, not what I expected. I feel reassured now that I can see, now that I once again am learning how to listen. While it is frustrating having to learn how from the beginning again, I am also hopeful. I am being more honest with myself.
I will meditate… and I will dream again like I once did. I will leave apathy behind.